By Mack Callahan
For as long as anyone can remember, there’s been one joke every American has heard after someone suggests a late-night Taco Bell run:
“Hope you don’t have plans tomorrow.”
For decades, it’s been one of those jokes that’s repeated so often people stopped thinking about where it came from. It was just part of the Taco Bell experience—right alongside hot sauce packets and regrettable decisions made after midnight.
Then the federal government got involved.
Last week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced they had traced a major outbreak of Cyclospora, a microscopic parasite that causes severe gastrointestinal illness, to shredded iceberg lettuce served at certain Taco Bell restaurants in five states. More than 1,700 confirmed illnesses and nearly 100 hospitalizations have been linked to the outbreak, making it one of the largest Cyclospora outbreaks ever investigated in the United States.
If you’re wondering what Cyclospora does, the answer is simple:
It gives you the kind of diarrhea that makes you reconsider every decision you’ve made in the previous week.
Unlike typical food poisoning that ruins your weekend, Cyclospora infections can linger for weeks or even months if left untreated. Symptoms include explosive diarrhea, bloating, stomach cramps, nausea, fatigue and loss of appetite. It isn’t caused by greasy food or too much hot sauce—it’s a parasite that contaminates food or water before it ever reaches your plate.
Federal investigators said epidemiological evidence and supply-chain tracing pointed toward shredded iceberg lettuce supplied by Taylor Farms de Mexico, prompting a nationwide recall of lettuce sourced from central Mexico and Taco Bell’s removal of the product from its restaurants.
Naturally, the internet had only one response:
“So… Taco Bell really DOES give you the shits?”
Not exactly.
The joke has always been about eating too much fast food. This outbreak is something entirely different—a foodborne parasite that happened to be served on tacos and burritos.
Still, it’s hard to ignore the irony.
An entire generation spent years making the same joke, only for federal investigators to announce they were investigating a Taco Bell ingredient connected to an outbreak of explosive diarrhea.
Reality, as usual, has a strange sense of humor.
There’s one more twist.
Just as social media declared victory for the oldest fast-food joke in America, the FDA announced that a laboratory result it initially believed had detected Cyclospora on a sample of Taylor Farms lettuce was actually a false positive. The recall remains in effect and investigators still believe the lettuce is linked through epidemiological and traceback evidence, but there is currently no confirmed positive product sample containing the parasite. The investigation is continuing.
In other words, the government didn’t officially certify that Taco Bell causes explosive trips to the bathroom.
It just came remarkably close to publishing a press release that sounded like every joke your uncle has been making since 1997.
Sometimes real life writes better comedy than comedians ever could.
