By Mack Callahan
Somewhere between a campaign rally, a late-night Truth Social post, and what witnesses are now calling “a full-blown biblical crossover episode,” former President Donald Trump has apparently taken on a new role: miracle healer.
According to a widely circulating image that definitely looks like it was painted by a guy who just discovered both Photoshop and the Book of Revelation at the same time, Trump is shown draped in flowing robes, gently placing his hand on the forehead of none other than Jeffrey Epstein—yes, that Jeffrey Epstein—who appears to be glowing like he just got fast-tracked through the pearly gates’ VIP line.
In the image, Trump’s expression is somewhere between “serious surgeon” and “guy about to tell you this is the greatest healing anyone’s ever seen.” Around him: soldiers, nurses, bald eagles, fireworks, and what appears to be the Statue of Liberty watching the whole thing like she’s not sure if she should intervene or just clock out early.
Witnesses—by which we mean the internet—are divided.
Some are calling it satire. Others are calling it propaganda. And a third group, somehow louder than both, is asking if this means Trump now qualifies for Medicare reimbursement.
“I know medicine better than anybody,” Trump reportedly said in an entirely imagined but spiritually accurate quote. “People are saying, ‘Sir, how did you bring him back?’ And I say, ‘It’s called talent. It’s called very strong hands.’”
Medical experts, when reached for comment, did not confirm the existence of resurrection via political branding.
Meanwhile, conspiracy corners of the internet are treating the image like it’s either proof of something enormous or evidence that we’ve officially run out of things to argue about.
To be clear—because we still occasionally do that here—there is no evidence that Trump has healed anyone, raised anyone from the dead, or enrolled in medical school. There is, however, overwhelming evidence that the internet will take one deeply unhinged image and turn it into a full-blown theological debate before lunch.
At press time, sources confirm the next image in the series may include Trump parting the Atlantic, auditing the IRS with a lightning bolt, and personally explaining Wi-Fi to Moses.
God help us. Or apparently, Trump will.
