By Mack Callahan
Here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., “patriotism” has become the latest competitive sport. Everyone knows they’re a patriot—some even know they’re more patriotic than the rest of you sorry slackers. Why? Well, it could be because of who they vote for, how they vote, or how many square inches of American flag decals they’ve slapped on their truck.
If patriotism can be measured, then we need to stop pretending it’s a “feeling” and start treating it like the Olympic medal table. It’s time for a Patriotism Hierarchy—a definitive, irrefutable ranking of who loves America the most.
The Official Patriotism Rankings
- The Fallen – Served and died for their country. Top of the list. No one’s touching this. Ever.
- The Wounded Warriors – Purple Hearts, POWs, and others who sacrificed life and limb.
- The Honorable Vets – Served, came home, saluted the flag without spilling beer on themselves.
- The Dishonorable Discharges – Yes, they messed up, but hey—they still showed up to boot camp.
- ROTC & Service Academies – The “junior varsity” patriots, but still doing drills while you were skipping class.
- First Responders – Firefighters, police, EMTs. Bonus points if your dog is named Liberty.
- Civic & Social Servants – Teachers, social workers, the guy who runs the food pantry.
- Voters – Any party, any ballot. At least you left your house.
- The Breathers – You live here, you breathe air here. Welcome to the club.
- The “Who You Voted For” Crowd – Congratulations, you’ve discovered the least measurable metric for patriotism.
Final Thoughts
If your “love of country” boils down to bumper stickers, yard signs, and shouting at strangers online, congratulations—you’re somewhere between “breather” and “I bought an eagle T-shirt once.” Meanwhile, the people at the top of the list probably aren’t bragging about it on Facebook.
