Ah yes, Topeka — the city that brought you potholes deep enough to claim small sedans, and now, the most important athletic competition since the last time we tried to pass a budget: Weenie Day at West Ridge Mall.
This Saturday, October 4th at 1 p.m., the eyes of the world (well, at least Wanamaker Road) will turn toward a stretch of tile flooring and see which dachshund has the fastest little legs in Shawnee County. Forget the Chiefs game, this is the sporting event. ESPN hasn’t called yet, but I fully expect Stephen A. Smith to weigh in on whether “Lil’ Sausage” deserves a Hall of Fame nod.
The Competition
Prizes will be handed out not just for speed but also for largest weenie, smallest weenie, and best-dressed weenie. Somewhere, Sigmund Freud is nodding approvingly.
Topeka will also host a panel of celebrity judges. I don’t know who they are, but let’s be honest — if you’re willing to spend your Saturday afternoon deciding which dog looks best in a hotdog bun costume, you deserve the title.
The Side Show
If racing dachshunds isn’t enough, the sideshow lineup might just steal the show:
- Pet goats courtesy of Prairieland. Because what Topeka event is complete without livestock?
- Meet John “The Iron Man” Cantrell — yes, that John Cantrell. A local legend, a man built out of sheer determination, and the only person tough enough to make even a dachshund race feel like pay-per-view boxing. Honestly, if you don’t get goosebumps shaking this guy’s hand, check your pulse.
- Wash it all down with a margarita from Envy Events or an Iron Rail Kölsch, which is German for “light beer that goes down faster than a dachshund in a drag race.”
- And of course, there’s DJ’s Diner food truck, because nothing says cardio like eating chili dogs while watching actual dogs run laps.
The Bigger Picture
Some people will dismiss this as just a silly event. But I say — this is culture. Ancient Rome had gladiators, France has the Tour de France, and Topeka? We have competitive dachshund racing inside a half-empty mall, with John Cantrell watching over it like a patron saint of toughness.
So come on out, bring the kids, bring Grandma, bring your own slightly overweight schnauzer if you want to heckle from the crowd. This is Topeka’s time to shine.
And may the best weenie win.
— Mack Callahan, still waiting for the day they let me judge Best Dressed Weenie. I’ve got the tuxedo ready.
