Asking for a Friend By Mack Callahan
“Dear Mack,
Last night, I looked out my window and saw a man standing at Washburn and 15th. Shirtless, barefoot, butt crack saluting the neighborhood like Old Glory. He grabbed invisible shampoo from an invisible shelf, turned on an invisible faucet, and washed his hair. Over and over. TPD finally showed up, probably wondering if they should call in a plumber or a priest.
So Mack, what exactly did I just witness? A nervous breakdown, performance art, or a city-sponsored event?”
Dear Front Porch Philosopher,
What you saw was the future of Topeka—whether we like it or not. GO Topeka keeps trying to sell us on a bigger, more socially advanced city: tech jobs, loft apartments, maybe even a coffee shop that doesn’t close at 2 p.m. But here we are, still living in a small-town good ol’ boys club, but at least we have big city tweakers running dress rehearsals for ShampooFest 2025.
And let’s be honest—Henry McClure says GO Topeka should be defunded. If this is their “economic development,” then congratulations: they just invented the world’s first meth-based tourism Hiller district. Next ribbon-cutting, expect a gold-plated pair of scissors snipping through a roll of Charmin.
So my advice? Accept it. Embrace the chaos. Because while Denver has art walks and Austin has live music, Topeka now has Crackhead Cosmetology in the Wild. It’s free, it’s raw, and it’s the only thing in town that actually draws a crowd without a press release.
—Mack
