I’ll be honest with you, folks—I wasn’t gonna write one this week.
After pulling an emotional all-nighter trying to figure out whether Sunny Dee would make it to her fifth booking before the weekend, I promised myself a break. A little rest, a little whiskey, maybe finally respond to the HOA letter about my “rustic” Christmas display still up in May.
But then, like a beacon in the fog, the Shawnee County booking report hit my inbox—and there she was: Allio Staton Montoya, the Michelangelo of misdemeanor chaos.
What’d she do? Glad you asked.
On May 12, 2025, Allio was arrested for a trifecta of charges that read like a Mad Libs sheet filled out at a dive bar:
- Transmitting false information to request emergency services (aka fake-calling 911—possibly to report her own vibe).
- Public nudity (standard).
- Criminal littering (because why not cap off a naked 911 prank call with a little garbage?)
This is performance art. This is interpretive lawbreaking.
Now I don’t know what prompted Ms. Montoya’s full-body rebellion against clothing and public order. Maybe it was a full moon. Maybe she lost a bet. Maybe she was just trying to outshine Sunny Dee on the leaderboard. But whatever it was, it earned her $3,000 in bonds, a police report full of headshakes, and a permanent spot in the hearts of booking report readers everywhere.
If nothing else, I admire the commitment. Some folks get arrested for drugs. Some for assault. Allio said: Why not do something truly original?
So here’s to you, Allio—patron saint of public spectacle, emergency services, and littering in the most dramatic fashion possible. I hope your court date is warmer than your arrest.
And to the rest of you? Stay clothed, stay calm, and for the love of Shawnee County, don’t fake a 911 call while flinging trash in the nude.
See you next week—unless Sunny Dee gets booked again first.
— Mack
