Well, folks, looks like the free market is about to do something no zoning board, city council, or developer subsidy could ever accomplish: fix housing costs. That’s right—this Tuesday, according to several people with Facebook graphics made in Microsoft Paint, the rapture is scheduled to hit Topeka right on time.
And once half your neighbors ascend skyward, you can finally afford a two-bedroom.
A Supply-Side Miracle
For years we’ve been told that if certain folks just “weren’t here,” there would be more jobs, more homes, and more room for the rest of us. Turns out we didn’t need complicated policy at all—we just needed divine intervention. Imagine the drop in competition when entire cul-de-sacs vanish in a puff of glory. Mortgage brokers are already licking their chops, preparing “Left Behind Specials” at 2.9% APR.
Neighborhood Upgrades
You ever drive down a block where you can’t even find parking? Problem solved. Those SUVs won’t be taking up space when their owners are getting beamed up like extras in a low-budget sci-fi. Better still, if your HOA president gets raptured, say goodbye to those passive-aggressive letters about your grass length. That’s true liberty.
Economic Boon for the Rest of Us
Without all those heavenly commuters clogging I-70, think about how much easier it’ll be to get to work. And with fewer “saved souls” around, you’ll notice wages finally rising. After all, the fewer people left to flip burgers, the more valuable the rest of us become. It’s Econ 101 with a dash of Revelations.
Get In While You Can
So if you’ve been priced out of the market, Tuesday is your shot. Realtors recommend camping outside your dream home with a lawn chair and a cooler—just wait for the trumpet sound, and when the owners disappear, the keys are basically yours.
In short, this is the housing reset we’ve all been waiting for. Who knew salvation was the ultimate market correction?
