Topeka, Kansas — June 4, 2025
Well butter my biscuits and call me bail money—it was another banner night at the Shawnee County Bed & Breakfast for the Chronically Poor at Life Choices.
From busted headlights to busted kneecaps, last night’s bookings were a fine reminder that Topeka never sleeps—he just blacks out occasionally behind the wheel, forgets his insurance, and sometimes, sneaks a silencer into a glovebox for funsies.
Let’s start with the evening MVP: a gentleman who apparently thought it was a good idea to drive around without a license, insurance, or functioning headlights—and while allegedly trafficking firearms and narcotics into a correctional facility. Buddy didn’t just break the law, he tried to complete the entire felony bingo card in one ride.
Right behind him in our parade of poor decisions was a woman charged with distributing less than 3.5 grams of narcotics and possessing paraphernalia. No bond, no chill. She reportedly came equipped with the kind of confidence only someone carrying a Ziplock full of felonies can possess.
Then there was the grandpa of chaos himself—popped for possession of narcotics, an aggravated battery charge involving “great bodily harm or disfigurement,” and a DUI with a .08+. At 63 years old, this guy clearly skipped the retirement brochures and went straight for the mugshot starter pack.
Meanwhile, another aspiring action hero was booked with a suppressor-equipped firearm, hallucinogens, and drug paraphernalia. When asked why he needed a silencer, we can only assume he replied, “For the voices, bro.”
Elsewhere in the roundup:
- Someone tried to pocket-pick a moving vehicle.
- Another charming soul got charged with aggravated burglary and battery.
- And at least three separate individuals seemed unclear on the concept of a driver’s license. Or insurance. Or vehicle tags. Or sobriety.
And of course, no night in the kingdom would be complete without someone violating a protective order, a domestic dust-up, and a surprise parole violation to keep DOC on its toes.
It’s always comforting to know that while the rest of us are just trying to remember trash day, there’s a dedicated group out there turning life into a live-action episode of COPS: Meth and Misdemeanors.
Until next time, stay classy Topeka. Or at least stay out of the NO BOND section.
— Mack Callahan, Retired Political Reporter, Current Booking Report Philosopher
