MACK CALLAHAN | THIS IS TOPEKA
“If it bleeds, trespasses, or blows through a stop sign, it’s probably in this report.”
Folks, I was planning on taking a quiet evening to drink a lukewarm gas station cappuccino and contemplate why my neighbor’s inflatable gorilla is still wearing a Santa hat in May. But then the Shawnee County booking report dropped—and my cappuccino is still on the dash, forgotten, as I read through a greatest hits mixtape of Topeka’s finest mayhem.
Let’s begin with the highlight: someone was booked with a bond set at $999,999,999. That’s nine digits, folks. Either Topeka has a new Bond villain, or the court clerk fell asleep on the zero key. Regardless, this person allegedly trespassed and interfered with law enforcement. Normally that gets you a stern look and maybe a court date. But apparently, this time it gets you a bail so high Jeff Bezos would need a payment plan.
Meanwhile, someone else caught a federal hold with no bond, courtesy of the U.S. Marshals. Whether it’s a cross-country crime spree or the marshals mistook him for Jason Bourne, we may never know—unless someone leaks the file folder labeled “Top Secret: Why We’re Holding That Guy.”
Not to be outdone, another entry featured a cocktail of aggravated battery, drug paraphernalia, and no bond. The report didn’t say what got broken, but with those charges, someone probably isn’t using that arm again anytime soon.
Further down, there was an unlawful firearm discharge, a handful of folks allegedly fighting their own family members, and a driver who decided to test out every misdemeanor on the books between the stop sign and the police cruiser.
Oh—and someone else got charged with aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer, driving under the influence, having a gun while under the influence, speeding, no plates, not obeying police, and existing in general. They were so busy stacking up infractions, they probably forgot why they got pulled over in the first place.
And let’s pour one out for the bench warrant brigade, who continue to make up a solid 30% of every booking report. It’s comforting, really. Like your aunt’s casserole at Thanksgiving—it’s not exciting, but it’s always there.
So here’s to you, Shawnee County. You never disappoint. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to check the couch cushions for spare change—I think I’m about $999,999,985 short of posting bail.
