Opinion / Satire
By Mack Callahan
Asking for a Friend, but mostly just asking
Folks, I’ve covered a lot of strange stories in my day — sinkholes swallowing Buicks, teenagers hiding meth in vending machines, the time a raccoon held a neighborhood hostage with nothing but its eyes — but this one might just claw its way to the top.
A Topeka resident named Rcrow Tatanka took to Facebook recently to claim not one, not two, but a whole string of cats have been systematically kidnapped — or as Rcrow puts it, “plucked off one by one” — by a shadowy bicycle-bound cult with ties to satanic animal sacrifice. Yes. You read that right. Satan. Bicycles. And cats.
The post lit up the Topeka KS Lost and Found Pets group like a Meow Mix recall. According to Rcrow, a woman was overheard saying, “I got two more,” outside their home while speaking to a man on another bike. Cats have been vanishing ever since. Rcrow suspects the devil. Or at least someone who listens to a lot of Slayer.
Facebook sleuths tried to offer level-headed advice like, “Keep your cats inside,” to which Rcrow countered with philosophical ponderings about zoo animals, Discovery Channel footage, and the meaning of freedom. It was a debate that somehow combined animal ethics, conspiracy theory, and libertarian housecat philosophy into a single thread.
But it didn’t end there. Oh no.
Rcrow then burst into another Facebook comment section like a feline-themed Batman, demanding the return of a pregnant stray someone had just posted about. Despite nobody actually having the cat at the time, Rcrow insisted it belonged to their brother. What followed was a digital melee involving accusations of theft, challenges to provide “proof of ownership,” and a vague threat involving the phrase “we got problems, lady.” It was, in short, purr chaos.
The Topeka Police Department, when contacted about the satanic cat-napping cult, offered no response. For their part, Rcrow simply had a one sentence response.
“I can do things Jesus Christ could do. What am I? Ask God. I don’t know.”
In other words: No one knows what’s going on either, but we’re not ruling out weirdos on bikes.
As of press time, no cats have been located, no sacrifices confirmed, and Rcrow remains the only known prophet of the impending Topeka Cat Rapture.
In the meantime, if you see someone on a bicycle with a burlap sack and a pentagram tattoo — maybe give Animal Control a ring. Or just keep your cats inside.
And remember: not all heroes wear capes. Some carry TNR traps and argue online for sport.
This is satire. All names are based on public posts and paraphrased with humor. If you see a cat in trouble, contact Topeka Animal Control at (785) 368-9203.
