Listen, I was gonna take a break this week. Lay low. Maybe catch a Royals game and pretend my air conditioner doesn’t sound like a dying cat. But then, lo and behold, Chelsea Nicole Porter decided to grace the Shawnee County Detention Center with her maternal glow and now here I am.
Booked at 11:30 PM on May 15, Ms. Porter rolled in with not one but two warrants to her name: Endangering a Child and possessing drug paraphernalia with the intent to use it—in a human body, mind you. Just in case there was confusion she was planning to use it on, say, a raccoon or her ‘95 Taurus.
Now I’m not saying Chelsea should be handed the keys to the city, but if there was an award for “Most Creative Way to Fail a Parenting Class,” she’d be getting a plaque, a handshake, and a cigarette break.
And don’t worry—she came camera-ready. That mugshot? It says, “I woke up like this… in a ditch behind Dollar General.” The hair? A combination of wind-tunnel meets possum nest. The expression? Somewhere between “I’m sorry” and “Where’s my lighter?”
NO BOND on either charge. Which is fair, because it seems the only thing she’s bonding with these days is a crack pipe and poor decisions.
Still, in a town where the bar’s so low it’s underground, Chelsea Porter is just another reminder that rock bottom apparently has a basement—and Topeka’s renting it out.
So here’s to you, Chelsea. May your next parenting moment be supervised, court-ordered, and heavily medicated.
– Mack Callahan, asking the real questions like, “Who gave her unsupervised access to anything?”
