TOPEKA, KS — In a landmark moment for dietary purity, symbolic legislative performance, and confused parenting, Kansas Governor Laura Kelly has reportedly caved to pressure from both the Trump administration and Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announcing a statewide ban on all baby formulas containing high fructose corn syrup (HFCS).
The move, said to have been negotiated behind closed doors during a bipartisan “wellness summit” held at an undisclosed Tractor Supply Co., will require all stores in Kansas to remove and incinerate any baby formula suspected of harboring the sugary specter.
“THIS IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN,” RFK Jr. said at a recent rally where a large inflatable colon served as the backdrop. “Do you want your kids to grow up fat, useless, and unable to use the bathroom like regular people? Because that’s what corn syrup babies do.”
RFK — who some Gen Z supporters have affectionately nicknamed “AFK” — has made the fight against imaginary syrup threats a cornerstone of his platform. “If you want your children to speak clearly, pay taxes, and reject corporate puppetry,” he added, “you must purify the formula.”
Governor Kelly, in a terse statement delivered while backing slowly away from the podium, said only:
“We agreed to the ban after… intense discussion. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Please don’t ask more questions.”
This Is Topeka reached out to every baby formula manufacturer on Earth and confirmed what pediatricians, scientists, and anyone who has ever read a label already knew:
NO INFANT FORMULA ANYWHERE CONTAINS HFCS.
NONE.
NOT ONE.
Despite this, Kansas will begin sweeping shelf removals this Friday. Similac, the most widely available formula brand in the state — which is manufactured in Canada — may face additional tariffs under the new policy, further complicating access for families.
State officials say the seized cans will be burned in symbolic pyres at upcoming campaign rallies, likely sandwiched between “anti-woke bonfires” and freedom hot dog eating contests.
Retailers are confused. Parents are panicking. Babies are gurgling incoherently, possibly in protest.
“It’s about control,” muttered one local store manager. “Today it’s baby formula. Tomorrow they’re coming for Goldfish crackers.”
As of press time, the Kansas Department of Health and Environment is reportedly drafting language for a companion bill to ban gluten in pacifiers.
