Let me just start by saying, I never thought I’d make it in Hollywood. But if I did, I assumed it’d be for my writing, not for a high-resolution JPEG of my prostate.
And yet, here we are.
In what KU Health is gently calling a “data breach” and what I’m calling a full-on HIPAA-pocalypse, over 400 Kansans had their most vulnerable medical records accessed by a particularly nosy physical therapist who, for reasons that remain medically and legally unclear, decided to go spelunking through nude clinical photos like he was Indiana Jones searching for the Temple of Inappropriate.
I, dear reader, am one of them.
Yes, somewhere out there in the wilds of cyberspace floats a professionally lit, medically annotated image of my backside, mid-prostate exam, complete with a digital arrow and the phrase “slight inflammation.” I know this because I got the kind of letter that starts with “We take your privacy seriously,” and ends with “also, maybe get a lawyer.”
The therapist in question allegedly accessed patient records at Lawrence Memorial Hospital’s Plastic Surgery Specialists clinic more than 400 times over two years — and somehow nobody noticed. KU Health has responded swiftly by launching a review of the review they never did in the first place.
Epic Systems, the medical records software company involved, also made the list of defendants in the class action lawsuit. According to the court filing, the breach includes “nude clinical photographs, including of breasts, buttocks, and genitals,” which means my once-private parts are now Exhibit A in a courtroom drama I never auditioned for.
I’ve seen my own mugshot once, but I never expected to be featured in what can only be described as Topeka’s Most Vulnerable. TMZ hasn’t called yet, but I assume it’s only a matter of time.
For those playing along at home, the allegations include negligence, breach of contract, and violating the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act — but oddly not emotional damage for seeing yourself tagged in a group chat called “Clinic Cuties Vol. 3.”
To KU Health’s credit, they’ve said they’re taking it seriously. Which is great. I only wish they’d taken it seriously before the guy with the fetish for unauthorized viewing habits decided to turn our records into his Netflix queue.
Let this be a lesson: If you’re going to bare it all for science, make sure the scientist isn’t also moonlighting as a creep.
Meanwhile, I’ll be over here updating my LinkedIn profile under “Publications” to read: Centerfold, KU Health Records Leak, April 2025 Edition.
God help us all.
