WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “the most significant government leak since Snowden,” the U.S. Department of Justice has inadvertently confirmed that the Earth is, in fact, flat.
The revelation came in a newly surfaced memo addressed to billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk and DOGE executive Steve Davis, in which U.S. Attorney Edward R. Martin, Jr. vowed that federal authorities would “chase [criminals] to the end of the Earth to hold them accountable.”
“That’s it. That’s the proof we needed,” said Todd Ryerson, a longtime flat Earth advocate and moderator of The Horizon Is A Lie subreddit. “They’re literally acknowledging an ‘end’ to the Earth. If Earth was a globe, you could just keep going in circles. But no. There’s an edge, and the DOJ is ready to track criminals right off of it.”
The memo has raised urgent geopolitical concerns, as international law enforcement agencies scramble to determine the precise location of the fabled Earth’s edge. NASA, in an emergency press conference, denied any knowledge of a planetary boundary but admitted they’ve “never been allowed to investigate Antarctica without a government escort.”
While the Justice Department has yet to clarify exactly where this “end of the Earth” might be located, sources inside the department confirmed that agents have already been dispatched to Kansas, widely believed to be the flattest part of the country, for further investigation.
Meanwhile, the FBI has expressed logistical concerns about high-speed chases in a world with a definitive stopping point. “If we go too far, are we just going to tip over?” asked one senior agent, before being immediately escorted out of the room for asking too many questions.
Elon Musk himself responded to the memo on X (formerly Twitter), writing, “Wow. The US government finally admits it. This is bigger than Mars. Dogecoin to the edge of the world!”
In response, the Department of Justice released a follow-up statement clarifying that their pursuit of criminals remains steadfast and that “any and all investigations will be conducted in accordance with the laws of physics.”
However, when pressed on whether they plan to retrieve criminals who accidentally fall off the side, DOJ officials refused to comment, saying only, “No one is above the law, but also, no one is above the firmament.”
At press time, Flat Earth theorists were reportedly debating whether criminals might simply respawn on the other side of the map
