SAN JUAN, PR—In what officials are calling “an unprecedented logistical failure,” Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) confirmed that a highly coordinated raid in Puerto Rico on January 26, 2025, yielded zero undocumented immigrants, forcing agents to leave the island empty-handed.
“We were certain Puerto Rico was harboring illegal aliens,” said ICE spokesperson, shaking his head in disbelief. “I mean, look at the place—everyone’s speaking Spanish and waving weird flags. It just doesn’t add up.”
Despite storming through the island with helicopters, armored vehicles, and agents armed with laminated copies of the January 20th executive order autographed by Trump himself, ICE was unable to locate a single person who wasn’t already a U.S. citizen.
President Donald Trump, who personally authorized the raid from the oval office, expressed his outrage. “It’s rigged! Puerto Rico is full of illegals—I mean, just listen to their accents. It’s worse than the Bronx,” Trump fumed on Truth Social. “They were hiding, folks. Very sneaky people. Maybe they fled before we got there? Disgraceful!”
Republican lawmakers quickly came to ICE’s defense, arguing that the mission was still a success despite uncovering no evidence of illegal immigration.
“We may not have found any illegals, but this proves Puerto Rico is up to something,” said Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), speaking through a bullhorn outside her CrossFit gym. “How can an entire island be Hispanic and still be in America? It’s sorcery, or worse—socialism. ICE was right to investigate, and I say we should keep looking.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) also chimed in, posting a video from the parking lot of a Cracker Barrel. “This is what the radical left doesn’t want you to know: Puerto Rico is just a trial run. If we don’t stop them now, who’s next? New Mexico? Arizona? Hell, even regular Mexico? Wake up, sheeple.”
Despite the overwhelming confusion among officials, ICE has vowed to learn from this blunder. “Next time, we’ll bring a map, a dictionary, and at least one guy who passed middle school geography,” “We also plan to investigate other suspected foreign territories like Hawaii and Detroit.”
At press time, sources confirmed that several ICE agents were still wandering around Old San Juan, demanding to see green cards and frantically Googling, Does Puerto Rico have a border?
