By Mack Callahan | Asking for a Friend
It’s Monday in Topeka, and the Shawnee County jail has once again become the hottest white-collar retreat north of Wakarusa. The latest booking report reads less like a rap sheet and more like the guest list to a suburban HOA meltdown—but with more meth and fewer casserole dishes.
Out of 25 folks booked Sunday, the majority were white, and not the “oops, unpaid parking ticket” type either. We’re talking about DUIs, felon-in-possession charges, stimulant distribution, interference with law enforcement, and in one case—so help me—“transmitting false information to 911.”
A Sample of Sunday’s Specials:
- A second-offense DUI paired with no insurance and inattentive driving, like a sad little Topeka prix fixe.
- A meth distribution case stacked with a “failure to wear a seatbelt,” because safety matters—even when you’re trafficking stimulants.
- Multiple Topekans with more bench warrants than working taillights.
- And let’s not forget the vintage pick: a 1948-born gentleman (yes, 76 years old) booked for a fresh round of trouble.
The Portrait It Paints:
You might expect a typical crime report to reflect a cross-section of the community, but this one reads like a white-on-white crime wave sponsored by Diet Mountain Dew and dental neglect. We’re not naming names—because they’ve already named themselves on Facebook Live from the back of a cruiser—but let’s just say South Topeka’s got its own brand of urban decay and it’s blindingly pale.
Mack’s Closing Thought:
If you ever wondered what a post-meth American Gothic looks like, it’s probably in holding right now requesting a public defender and complaining about “cancel culture.” The booking sheet doesn’t lie: it’s not the cartel, it’s your cousin Chad.
