Dear Mack,
Me and my girlfriend have been trying to quit meth. We’ve been clean for two weeks but keep getting into screaming matches over stupid stuff like who used all the lighter fluid or why her sister’s kid stole our HDMI cable again. We want to stay clean, but it feels like the universe is daring us to fail. Any advice for two people just trying to survive, stay sober, and maybe find that missing Roku remote?
—Shaky but Hopeful in Shawnee County
Dear Shaky,
First of all—congrats on two weeks. That’s fourteen days more than your cousin Todd ever made it, and he once tried to trade a goldfish for a half gram behind the Casey’s. So, let’s call this a win.
Now, I’m not a doctor (I mean, I do keep a stethoscope in my glovebox, but that’s just for when I want people at QuikTrip to think I’m important), but it sounds like you two are in that magical phase of meth withdrawal known as the rage Olympics. Everything annoys you. The toaster. Your own thoughts. Her breathing. His chewing. It’s not personal—it’s the dopamine desert up in your skulls.
Here’s Mack’s three-step plan for staying clean and not committing felony battery over a broken vape pen:
1. Divide and Conquer:
Not saying break up, just saying maybe don’t spend 24/7 together in a 400-square-foot duplex with one working fan and a cat named Narcan. Take shifts being sane. One of you gets to lose it while the other pretends everything’s fine. Then swap.
2. Throw Out the Triggers:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re still hanging out with the guy who “just smokes it on weekends,” he’s not your friend—he’s a walking relapse. Also, that pile of broken electronics you’ve been meaning to fix? Yeah, that’s not a hobby. That’s just meth nostalgia.
3. Celebrate Small Wins:
Got through a day without screaming or stealing your neighbor’s Wi-Fi? Light a candle. Drink a Fanta. Watch something dumb and comforting—like Cops, but ironically. Sobriety isn’t about perfection. It’s about not doing what you really want to do at 3am.
And if things get really tough, remember this: Somewhere out there, someone just pawned their mom’s air fryer for a gram, and you didn’t. That makes you a damn champion.
Stay shaky, stay hopeful—and maybe get a new Roku.
—Mack
