By Mack Callahan
Retired political reporter, reluctant relationship counselor
Listen, sugarpops. Every June we celebrate Pride, and like clockwork, the universe delivers the drama. Rainbows? Yes. Equality? We’re working on it. Billionaire breakups? Apparently, also on the agenda.
This Pride Month, America got front-row seats to the messiest public split since Ricky left Lucy—except this time, it’s Elon Musk and Donald J. Trump, the power couple nobody asked for but everyone side-eyed. They were the tech bro and the political showboat, bound together by mutual self-love and a shared Wi-Fi password for chaos.
But oh honey, the honeymoon is over.
The Tea Gets Spilled
Elon, bless his emotionally unstable timeline, kicked things off with a post so shady it created a total eclipse over Mar-a-Lago. He called Trump’s new spending bill a “disgusting abomination,” which is ironic coming from the man who tried to sell us a $99 Cyberwhistle.
Then he casually hinted—like a jilted queen in a group chat—that Trump might be hiding something in the Epstein vault. Impeachment talk? During Pride? That’s a party foul.
Trump Snatches the Wig
Never one to be out-memed, Trump fired back like an auntie who just caught her favorite nephew in her foundation. He called Elon a “drugged-up lunatic,” threatened to yank every federal dollar from Tesla and SpaceX, and reminded the world that yes, spite is still his preferred leadership style.
Basically, he told Elon:
“You better call Becky with the good lawyers.”
He Took the Dragon and Left
Elon, in what can only be described as a Space Karen moment, threatened to decommission the Dragon spacecraft. Like, girl, who are you punishing? NASA? The moon?
By this point, Tesla stock had done a death drop, short-sellers were voguing in joy, and Musk’s fanboys were panicking in Discord like it was the fall of Rome.
But Baby, It’s Still June
And then—just as the glitter began to settle—both sides pulled a soft launch reconciliation. Elon posted that he “regrets some of my posts.” Trump, likely busy planning a Fourth of July rally titled Make Love to America Again, offered a “wish him well.”
Y’all. This is textbook toxic. One minute they’re throwing shade, the next it’s “maybe we can still launch something together?” We’ve all seen this relationship. They break up, they fight in the group chat, then they show up to brunch pretending nothing happened.
Pride Month Moral
Sometimes the loudest couples are the least stable. Sometimes the richest men are the pettiest queens. And sometimes, when two grown billionaires act like teenagers with a shared TikTok account, the only thing you can do is grab a cocktail, put on a sequined tank top, and say:
“This is why we don’t date our trauma.”
Happy Pride, my loves. Stay fabulous, stay shady, and for god’s sake, don’t let your ex threaten the space program.
—Mack
