By Mack Callahan
Columnist, This Is Topeka
Well folks, I was gonna take the weekend off, maybe grill a steak and fall asleep halfway through a rerun of Matlock, but the fine folks over at the Shawnee County lockup had other plans. Only ten bookings in the past 24 hours—but what they lacked in quantity, they sure made up for in quality. Let’s break it down, Mack Callahan style.
Drug Olympics, Topeka Edition
One gentleman got pinched with a distributor’s worth of heroin, fentanyl, and a few other surprises tucked neatly into his inventory. Sprinkle in some drug paraphernalia with the intent to cultivate, and you’ve got a one-man pharmacy on wheels—emphasis on wheels, because he also managed to forget his insurance.
Another suspect clearly believes cars should come with freedom, not registration. Caught with no tag, no license, a dash of paraphernalia, and enough narcotics to make Hunter S. Thompson blush—he’s now enjoying the County’s complimentary detox program.
Domestic Derailed
The romantic holiday weekend went very sideways for a couple of domestic warriors. One fella went all WWE on a family member, allegedly choking them in “a rude manner.” No word yet on what exactly constitutes a polite choke. Meanwhile, another contestant added criminal restraint to his date night itinerary. Honestly, just watch Netflix and argue about what to eat like the rest of us.
Bad Decisions and Babies
Let’s not forget the contestant who came in hot with charges of aggravated battery and child endangerment. Because nothing says responsible parenting like reckless driving under the influence—while a kid’s in the mix. Oh, and he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt either. Safety first? Never heard of her.
Bench Warrant Bonanza
A few familiar faces popped up again on the booking sheet thanks to those pesky bench warrants. Nothing too flashy—just the usual outstanding fines, expired tags, and suspended licenses. It’s almost nostalgic. Like the Topeka version of a Greatest Hits album.
Final Score:
- Drugs: 4
- Domestic Violence: 3
- Endangering a Child: 1
- Bench Warrants & Traffic: 6
- Bad Life Choices: 10 out of 10
As always, remember this isn’t an indictment of our fair city—just a weekly reminder that when the sun goes down in Topeka, some folks switch straight to crime mode.
Stay safe, buckle up, and keep your fentanyl under 3.5 grams—or better yet, don’t have any at all.
—Mack
