Asking for a Friend
By Mack Callahan
Back in my day, if you got caught red-handed, you at least had the dignity to quietly disappear into shame and discount cigarettes. Now? Folks take a different approach—they go ahead and file their own police report… against themselves. Digitally, of course. Because nothing says “not guilty” like using the comment section to confess.
Here’s what happened:
Harold’s Tire—the kind of place where a $5 fix includes your tire, your pride, and probably a loose-toothed debate about whether Ford ever made a good car—is the kind of local joint you don’t mess with. It’s basically Topeka’s version of the Cheers bar, only with more lug nuts and less Sam Malone.
So when someone snuck their hand into the tip jar at Harold’s, it wasn’t just theft—it was blasphemy.
Cue Facebook. Someone posted a photo of the alleged thief—let’s call her “Shayleigh,” because, well, that’s her actual name. Instead of denying it, or better yet, staying quiet and pretending she was in another county that day, she reported the post as harassment.
Let me repeat that: She reported a photo of herself, allegedly stealing, as harassment.
Imagine being so allergic to consequences that your first instinct is to yell “STOP BULLYING ME” at the exact moment everyone is just noticing you stole from Topeka’s favorite garage couch.
And in Topeka fashion, the comment section quickly turned into a town hall hosted by Judge Judy, Nancy Grace, and your aunt who’s been to jail “but not prison.” People pulled up mugshots like they were baseball cards. Someone even suggested ordering a sandwich from Subway just to serve her an arrest warrant with the footlong.
And if that’s not enough of a civic circus for you, a few folks chimed in with the classic “innocent until proven guilty” line—right before posting the next mugshot of Shayleigh from a previous DUI, complete with timestamps like they were curating an exhibit.
Now look, I’m not here to pick on the girl. Everyone makes mistakes. I once accidentally voted for a city councilman who thought fluoride was a government mind control serum. But here’s a tip, kiddo: if you’re trying to avoid being identified as the person in the photo, maybe don’t slap your own name on the report.
This wasn’t a crime story. It was a cautionary tale in real time, co-written by a comment section that deserves a Pulitzer for passive-aggression and digital detective work.
As for Harold’s, I hope someone swings by and tosses a couple twenties in the jar just to remind them we still care. Stealing tips is low—but outing yourself trying to hide it? That’s Topeka viral, baby.
Asking for a friend… does Facebook count as a confession booth now?
— Mack
