TOPEKA – In yet another dazzling display of civic innovation, Topeka officials on Tuesday morning launched their latest public relations masterstroke: the “Surprise Spring Cleaning” initiative.
The event, which took place along the Kansas River, saw city workers and law enforcement bravely tackling the urban blight of poverty by clearing away those unsightly humans who had set up camp in the area. But in what can only be described as an unfortunate misunderstanding, one of the city’s less-fortunate residents was reportedly scooped up—tent and all—by a piece of heavy equipment while peacefully sleeping.
“Now, let’s not jump to conclusions,” said one city official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, mostly because they weren’t supposed to be talking to the press. “The bucket scoop was merely an effort to, uh, expedite relocation services. It’s an efficiency thing. The person was immediately transported to another location. It just so happened that the first stop was the hospital.”
But wait—there’s more! In the spirit of accountability, the city made sure to swiftly address the situation by… sending the driver of the heavy equipment for drug testing. Because clearly, when an individual gets bulldozed out of their own tent, the first thing we need to determine is whether the driver was high, not whether the entire operation was just an unhinged approach to civic management.
Eyewitnesses report that the individual was then deposited unceremoniously, like an overfilled trash bin, leading some to wonder if city officials have secretly adopted the classic “Claw Machine Method” of social services—just plucking people up and hoping they land somewhere better.
Advocates for the unhoused community are, shockingly, not thrilled by this bold new strategy.
“We’ve been asking for more shelter space, better outreach, and housing solutions,” said one local advocate. “We did not mean industrial-grade earth-moving equipment.”
In response to the controversy, the city is reportedly considering modifying its approach. Instead of using heavy machinery, officials may opt for a more traditional technique: scattering tents like birdseed in random locations and hoping no one asks follow-up questions.
Meanwhile, citizens of Topeka are encouraged to brace for the next wave of urban renewal. Rumor has it, the city is currently testing prototype trebuchets for really efficient homeless relocation.
Stay tuned!
