TOPEKA, KS – In a shocking revelation that has stunned absolutely no one, a recent study has ranked Topeka as one of the worst state capitals to live in. The study, conducted by people who likely just drove by on I-70, took a whiff of the Frito-Lay factory, and kept moving, has left locals scratching their heads.
“It’s almost like they didn’t bother getting out of their car,” said longtime Topeka resident Linda Brewster. “Did they even stop by the zoo? Take a lap around Lake Shawnee? Grab a coffee at a local shop? Or did they just roll down their windows, smell the chips, and call it a day?”
The study ranked cities based on vague and arbitrary factors, including “economic opportunity” (which apparently doesn’t include the thriving local businesses and growing job market), “safety” (as if every other city doesn’t have crime), and “entertainment” (because obviously, if a city doesn’t have a beach, it might as well not exist).
Meanwhile, residents of Topeka remain unfazed, continuing to enjoy affordable housing, an ever-growing arts scene, and the ability to get anywhere in town in 15 minutes – all without needing to spend half their paycheck on parking.
Experts predict the next ranking will once again overlook Topeka, as the reviewers will be too distracted by their GPS malfunctioning in Kansas City traffic to notice anything else.
