TOPEKA, KS – In an effort to promote firearm safety and absolutely not increase childhood interest in guns, Kansas lawmakers have introduced House Bill 2104, which allows schools to provide NRA-approved firearm education to students—including kindergartners.
Supporters insist that teaching small children about firearms will, without question, make them less likely to want to use them. “It’s just like how teaching sex education makes kids less interested in sex,” explained Rep. Buck Remington, before being visibly reminded of his party’s position on the subject.
“Uh… I mean, no—wait. It’s different,” Remington clarified.
Eddie Eagle Takes Flight (and the Stand)
The kindergarten curriculum will be led by highly qualified NRA-trained instructors—many of whom are freshly pardoned patriots from the January 6th Capitol Riots, who now find themselves legally allowed to be near schools again.
Take Tucker “Two-Tap” Dawson, an enthusiastic NRA member and DIY gun-printing pioneer who once faced federal weapons charges for building an AR-15 out of Legos. Dawson, who previously wasn’t allowed near a school due to “unfortunate misunderstandings”, is thrilled to teach kids about firearm safety.
“I’m just so grateful for this second chance,” Dawson said, adjusting his ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ tactical vest over his Eddie Eagle costume. “I mean, kids learn about fire safety in school, but you don’t see them setting things on fire just for fun. Wait—actually, bad example.”
A Fun and Age-Appropriate Approach to Gun Safety
The Eddie Eagle Gunsafe Program, designed specifically for young, impressionable minds, teaches children to:
- STOP!
- DON’T TOUCH!
- RUN AWAY!
- TELL AN ADULT!
But some newly reinstated instructors believe that’s not enough.
“Look, kids are naturally curious,” explained Dale ‘Boogaloo’ Henderson, an NRA-certified instructor who previously ran a ‘Survival Tactics for Christian Patriots’ YouTube channel before it was banned by the FBI. “You can’t just tell a kid not to do something and expect them to listen. That’s why my class will also include a special lesson called:
‘What To Do If Your Parents Don’t Respect The Second Amendment.’”
Henderson also believes firearm training should be consistent with other school safety measures.
“They have tornado drills for kids, right?” he said, leaning forward. “But do they teach them what to do if the tornado is armed?”
It’s Not Like Sex Ed, Stop Saying That
Despite some parental concerns, lawmakers remain steadfast in their belief that teaching six-year-olds about gun safety is completely different from teaching them about their own bodies.
“If we start teaching them where babies come from, next thing you know, they’re experimenting,” said Rep. Remington, adjusting his “Guns Save Lives” lapel pin. “But giving them a little hands-on time with unloaded firearms? That just teaches them responsibility.”
In fact, Republican lawmakers are so confident in this distinction that some are proposing the Eddie Eagle program be expanded to replace traditional sex ed entirely.
“We’ll still cover the basics,” explained Remington. “We’ll just make some small adjustments to the curriculum. Instead of ‘Where Do Babies Come From?’, we’ll call it ‘Where Do 5.56 Rounds Come From?’ Instead of ‘Safe Sex Practices,’ it’ll be **‘Safe Holster Practices.’ It’s basically the same thing, just more American.’”
When asked if former felons with strong political biases and a love of homemade firearms were the best choice to be leading kindergarten classes, Remington brushed off concerns.
“These guys have been through a lot,” he said. “They lost their freedom, their social media accounts, and their ability to travel to Washington D.C. without getting flagged by TSA. If anyone deserves a fresh start shaping young minds, it’s them.”
The Future of Firearm Safety in Schools
The program has already seen overwhelming support from firearms enthusiasts, many of whom see it as an opportunity to correct what they call the liberal media’s lies about guns.
“Liberals want kids to be afraid of firearms,” said Tucker Dawson, looking wistfully at a semi-assembled AR lower receiver resting on his desk. “They want kids to think guns are dangerous. But let me tell you something—guns don’t kill people. Inadequate firearm education kills people.”
When asked if he was comfortable teaching children about safety in an age-appropriate way, Dawson nodded confidently.
“Oh yeah, absolutely,” he said. “In fact, I’ve already prepared a puppet show called ‘Billy the Bullet and the Second Amendment’ for the kids. It’s going to be adorable.”
With House Bill 2104 expected to pass easily, Kansas parents can rest assured knowing that even if their kids never learn what a condom is, they’ll at least know how to disassemble and clean a Glock by age seven.
And that, according to lawmakers, is what really matters.
