TOPEKA, KS – In a bold legislative move that truly showcases the priorities of Kansas lawmakers, House Bill 2297 proposes a groundbreaking step in animal rights: the legal ownership of raccoons. Yes, while the world grapples with economic crises, climate change, and geopolitical tensions, Kansas has decided to address the real issue at hand—giving residents the chance to own a literal trash panda.
“Owning a raccoon is a God-given right, much like driving a truck with an oversized flag or debating the merits of gas station BBQ,” said Representative Seiwert, the bill’s sponsor. “For too long, the people of Kansas have been forced to admire these majestic, dumpster-diving creatures from afar. No more!”
The Raccoon Ownership Renaissance
Under this bill, aspiring raccoon parents will need to:
- Obtain a permit from the Kansas Animal Health Commissioner (because bureaucratic raccoon wrangling is now a thing).
- Complete an educational program on raccoon care, which we assume includes lessons on preventing them from stealing your wallet and learning to live with nightly home invasions.
- Ensure yearly vaccinations and veterinary check-ups, because let’s be honest—Kansas pet clinics were missing the thrill of treating a rabies-inclined bandit.
- Have their premises inspected once a year, making raccoon ownership officially more regulated than certain types of gun ownership in the state.
The Ban on Backyard Raccoon Breeding
Sadly, not just anyone can start a raccoon breeding empire—only those federally licensed by the USDA if the agency survives the cuts (yes, this is an actual job title now). This means your dream of launching Trash Panda Farms LLC might need to go through some red tape first.
To further ensure the integrity of the raccoon lifestyle, local governments are banned from enacting stricter laws than the state’s own (because, obviously, every county should be a raccoon-friendly utopia).
What Happens If You Mess Up?
If a raccoon owner is deemed “unfit,” the state will either rehabilitate the raccoon, rehome it, or—brace yourself—euthanize it. Meaning, if your raccoon gets too rowdy at the family cookout, Kansas might just have to step in like an overbearing HOA president.
The Real Cost of Owning a Raccoon
Like all great freedoms, this one comes at a price. Kansas residents will need to pay:
- $100 for an initial application
- $250 for an annual permit renewal
- $150 for the first facility inspection
- $75 for any follow-ups (presumably if your raccoon starts getting a little too comfortable in your neighbor’s trash bins)
- $1,000 if your raccoon is seized for misconduct, making it officially more expensive to have your raccoon arrested than to be arrested yourself in some cases
The Future of Kansas: Raccoons for All?
Critics of the bill argue that it distracts from more pressing issues. “People are struggling to afford housing, healthcare, and groceries, but sure, let’s focus on making it easier to own a raccoon,” said one disheartened Kansan.
Supporters, however, remain enthusiastic. “If this passes, I’m getting five,” said local enthusiast Jerry Thompson. “I’ve already named them. Bandit, Snickers, Mr. Whiskers, Janet, and Dave.”
Kansas lawmakers are set to debate the bill in the coming weeks. Until then, prospective raccoon owners are left dreaming of the day they can legally walk their furry trash thief on a leash, all while questioning the true priorities of their elected officials.
