TOPEKA, KS — In what may be the most shocking legal battle of the decade, a brave Walmart parking pole has finally broken its silence, taking a stand against what it calls “chronic vehicular abuse” by Topeka drivers. The battered yellow pole, stationed at the front lot of Topeka’s Southwest 37th Street Walmart, is the lead plaintiff in a class-action lawsuit that accuses local motorists of assault, battery, and emotional distress.
“It’s been going on for years,” the pole said in an exclusive interview, conducted via parking lot semaphore. “Day after day, I’m here, standing tall, fulfilling my duty to protect pedestrians and shopping carts. And what do I get in return? Sideswiped by minivans, dinged by sedans, and flat-out rear-ended by overconfident pickup trucks. It’s traumatic.”
According to court documents, the pole alleges that it has been hit no fewer than 127 times in the last year alone, with incidents ranging from mild bumps to full-on collisions that sent shockwaves through its concrete foundation. While the scars on its exterior paint may look cosmetic to the average passerby, the pole insists the damage runs much deeper.
“They think just because I’m metal, I don’t feel pain,” the pole continued, struggling to hold back tears. “But every time I’m hit, a part of me dies inside. The first few bumps? Sure, I could brush those off. But by the 30th or 40th hit, it’s like… enough is enough, you know? I can’t keep living like this.”
In an unprecedented move, the pole has partnered with three other Walmart poles from across the Topeka area to form a class-action lawsuit against the local driving community. Together, they’re seeking damages for “repeated incidents of assault and battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and reckless endangerment of public infrastructure.”
“It’s not just about me,” said the pole. “There’s the one over by the Walmart on Wanamaker, the poor guy out at North Topeka Walmart, and let’s not forget the older pole near Highway 75. We’ve all been hit—multiple times. And we’re fed up. This lawsuit isn’t just about compensation; it’s about raising awareness. We need to stop the senseless violence.”
The legal team representing the poles has been quick to stress that their clients are not seeking revenge. “This isn’t a witch hunt against Topeka drivers,” said attorney Mason Steele, a local expert in civil engineering law who specializes in personal injury claims for stationary objects. “My clients simply want justice. These poles are here to do a job—protect pedestrians, control traffic flow, and keep cars from careening into storefronts. Yet they’re being mistreated on a daily basis by careless, inattentive drivers.”
Steele continued: “Imagine how you’d feel if someone hit you with their car 127 times in one year. You’d be in therapy, too.”
Some Walmart patrons, however, are less sympathetic to the poles’ plight. “Look, it’s just a pole,” shrugged local resident Dennis McNeal, who admitted to clipping the pole last fall while making a tight turn out of a parking space. “I don’t see the big deal. Besides, it shouldn’t have been there in the first place—it’s right in the middle of the lot. What do they expect?”
The poles, for their part, remain steadfast in their stance. “We’re exactly where we’re supposed to be,” the pole on 37th Street retorted. “Do you think I want to be stationed in the middle of this chaotic hellscape, dodging distracted drivers and rogue shopping carts? I didn’t choose this life. I was installed here. I’m just doing my job.”
Public opinion in Topeka is divided. Some residents have started a petition to move the pole to a “safer, less trafficked” area of the parking lot, arguing that its placement is unfair to drivers. Others have voiced support for the pole’s lawsuit, taking to social media with hashtags like #JusticeForPoles and #StopTheViolenceTopeka.
The poles’ lawsuit, which is expected to go to trial next spring, seeks $5 million in damages for repairs, repainting, and emotional trauma counseling. It’s the first case of its kind in Kansas, and legal experts are watching closely to see how it unfolds.
“This could set a major precedent,” said Topeka area law professor Dana Granite. “If the poles win, it could open the floodgates for lawsuits from other neglected and abused public fixtures—think stop signs, bike racks, even bollards. Parking lot structures everywhere may soon have their day in court.”
In the meantime, the 37th Street pole remains cautiously optimistic. “This lawsuit is about more than just me and my fellow poles—it’s about respect for all stationary objects,” it said, its freshly painted yellow surface gleaming in the late afternoon sun. “We’ve been silent for too long. It’s time to make a stand—and I’m already pretty good at standing.”
The saga of the Topeka parking pole continues, and as the case moves forward, residents are reminded to “drive cautiously and respectfully,” lest they find themselves the subject of the next lawsuit.
#JusticeForPoles
