TOPEKA, KS—In a jaw-dropping announcement, the Kansas City Chiefs have revealed they’re relocating from Missouri to… Topeka, Kansas. That’s right. The reigning Super Bowl champions are making Heartland Park their new home, trading in Arrowhead Stadium for a location right next to the Frito-Lay plant, where fans can play the ultimate game of, “Is that my neighbor’s fart, or just the smell of fresh potatoes turning into chips?”
Chiefs executives, with straight faces, declared that Topeka embodies the team’s true Kansas spirit. “We felt it was time to return to our roots, and Topeka—a city with roughly 27 people and a Frito-Lay plant—seemed like the obvious choice,” said one official. “The sweet, salty smell of chip production in the morning is what we think football is all about.”
Heartland Park, once known for drag races and, well, not much else, will be transformed into a state-of-the-art stadium, “Chiefs Kingdom Corn Bowl,” featuring a retractable roof shaped like an ear of corn and parking that doubles as a sunflower field. Local Topekans are cautiously optimistic about this new chapter, though they’re mostly looking forward to the extra traffic, because, let’s face it, the city’s been too quiet for far too long.
While some fans are excited about the chance to tailgate in front of a potato chip factory, others are less thrilled about the two-hour commute from Kansas City, with one fan tweeting, “What’s next, the Chiefs moving to a Walmart parking lot?”
Still, the Chiefs are confident this move will boost the team’s mojo. “Topeka’s got it all: land, chips, and plenty of space for corn-themed tailgating parties,” said another official. Local businesses are already gearing up for the influx of visitors, and the town’s one hotel has already tripled its room rates, while gas stations prepare for the boom in jerky sales.
The team’s first Topeka home game is scheduled for 2026 under the banner of “Chiefs Kingdom Corn Kickoff.” Fans can expect halftime tractor pulls, corn-husking competitions, and, of course, the ceremonial handoff of a symbolic ear of corn to Patrick Mahomes by Topeka’s mayor.
Though some Kansas Citians are still mourning the move, Topekans are embracing their newfound NFL status. “Sure, we may not have the glitz and glam of Kansas City,” said one local, “but at least we have chips.”
The Chiefs have officially gone Kansas. Let’s hope Topeka is ready.
